I left what could be my last “regular person” job two years ago, and embarked on a journey, a quest really, to discover if I could indeed find a public voice outside of the traditional routes. The two years prior to this had been an exploration of boundaries and power, and I’d found myself both personally and professionally transformed.
At the same time, the world seemed to be waking up to certain realities I’d been witnessing for some time -the looming climate apocalypse, the oppressive and lethal momentum of white supremacy, the dangerous denials of heteronormativity, the violence of capitalism.
I’d always believed that to step into any intentionally public role, I had to run for office or hold a significant pulpit, maybe sit in an endowed Chair at a University. But frankly, we’re out of time for the usual.
I used to believe that the most good I could ever do would be to spend a lifetime as a school teacher, the most definitive way to affect the lives of the most people, I thought. And so I spent decades as a youth minister and I loved it.
I used to believe I could affect systemic change in an entrenched Protestant denomination, and I did in many places and ways but little of it was ever popular. And so I accepted the labels and relegations, which I didn’t so much love but believed necessary.
I used to believe that the Democratic Party was generally the most in line with the Gospel and the common good, and would be the most effective political route to positive change, but then the last 10 years happened. And so I’ve become an unaffiliated voter, which makes me sad still sometimes, but is the largest voting block in my city and county, and on par with the two party membership statewide.
Essentially, I used to believe that a job, a title, a specific role, an organization or group, could define me, hold who I am. In fact I used to believe that I needed these things in order to have any agency or credential to act.
What I began to hear for the first time, although I’m told by many of these people that it was not a new view, what I began to hear in 2019 was a request that I speak more, that I begin to more broadly share my vision, my insights. Strangers spoke with me for 15 minutes and asked me if I had a book they could buy. New friends seemed startled that I didn’t already think of myself this way. Family and longtime friends told me they’d been hoping I would start building new things, writing and speaking more. One friend said, “You know Jessie, you’ve been this public faith leader for a lot of us for a long time.”
I began to realize that by leaning into my commitment to collaborate, I could model coalition building and give others permission to work with those with whom there is not total alignment. Aligned movements snap, crumble when life gets messy and territories are challenged. Differentiated movements bend and adapt.
By leaning into my knowledge that much of Creation is gone forever and that many people and creatures will die due to our negligence, along with my utter conviction that nostalgia will be among our largest obstacles to the shifts we need to thrive, I can invite us into a new world rather than threaten us with loss of this one.
By examining the extraordinary and the mundane with the same eye, I can see how strange and beautiful the world is in all its pain and change and joy and beauty. And so can you, because it is.
For the last six months, I have been writing and posting under an iteration of my name, Rev Jess Abell. (Follow me on ALL the socials!) It has taken me some time to live into this, to adopt this named-brand who is of me, but not me. “Some time” is a euphemism for it’s been really freaking hard and I’ve had multiple crises of identity and worth throughout this period.
I am coming to see how I have insisted upon defining myself by old, and generally toxic, narratives. I am a mess. I am the problem. I am too angry. I am too smart for my own good. I accept and even enjoy the good aspects of my identity. I believe in my own worth. But as I hold onto these past narratives, I force myself into struggle. Everything is harder if I am also fighting against inherent deficits.
There are many ways in which these toxic narratives from my past hold me back, but only I can replace those narratives with a more true and fuller story. Things are hard and life is messy. I am not the sum of what others say about me, I am not even the sum of all the things I say.
The truth is that if power be the ability to act, I have a great deal of it if I simply will. If I am willing to be the person God has made me to be, and to let go of the old narratives, then the new stories can be written. New stories can be told of a world in severe change and turmoil but also fertile with possibility. New stories of my presence within it all can unlock my own path. May it be so for all of us.