There is a long running argument in my head about the merits of communal spiritual practice and the value I put on individual practice and exploration. Broadly, this argument is about all the things I have to give up or moderate in community versus the knowledge that I can't live happily without some form of community. I'm often struck by how frequently I recoil at the thought of community when it’s in front of me, and how often in the places in which I’ve overcome that moment of fear, I’m fed by the resulting moment of community.
I’m someone who is famous among friends for saying “I don't participate in group joy.” This was a joking response to a friend but it speaks to a truth about me. I’ve always had trouble trusting community. It’s taken a long time for me to relax and get comfortable in a new community. There is a particular type of vulnerability to true community that scares me. The truth is that these fears feed a part of my skeptical mind that starts to undermine my ability to buy-in to a community.
This skeptical mind has saved me from a few dangerous situations but it has also prevented me from reaching out to people and to my communities in times of need. The part of me that wants to just not engage tells me that i need a perfect match with all the people in my community. They need to think like I do and practice the way I would, or else I won’t fit in or won’t know what to do. But that uniformity has never been the case in the places I’ve found a faith community that supports and feeds me. In fact, I don't think there’s any church denomination or faith group that meets that standard exactly.
The places I’ve found that actually have been healthy have been the opposite -places of diverse thought, background, practice, and experience. In these places, my not knowing is ok and my fitting in doesn't rely on such shallow things as uniformity. I’m still learning every day, this part of my life has consistently been a challenge and I don't think that will change.
As I've gotten older I’ve realized how much I personally rely on having “colleagues” to do things with. People I respect keep me motivated and happy while I do the hard things. I wouldn't get up early to work out if I didn't go with people from work. I know I am capable of that on my own and know I love to start the day with some exercise. But I just don't set the pattern without the community around me to support me and hold me accountable.
Where this holds with my faith life is in the people around me who have taken the time to listen and try to understand my theology instead of convince me of theirs. These people have been in the places where I can grow. When I do need support, they can actually help because they know how I think and what will help me in the moment. And when I need to be held accountable, they’re actually using language and making points that matter to me, not just throwing out some boilerplate critique and try to take advantage of the situation to challenge my beliefs or morals. That matters -being known. We are known in community. Fully.